


My house of stone (your ivy grows)

by thelaziesthufflepuff



Series: Xanxus and Squalo are both terribly in love & terrible at love (Xanxus/fem!Squalo) [1]
Category: Katekyou Hitman Reborn!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Domestic assassins, F/M, Unresolved Romantic Tension, Unresolved Sexual Tension, so i am out to change things, there is hardly any fem!squalo, xanxus to squalo everytime there's a mission: YOU BETTER NOT DIE AGAIN
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-16
Updated: 2021-01-16
Packaged: 2021-03-14 09:15:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28793025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thelaziesthufflepuff/pseuds/thelaziesthufflepuff
Summary: Xanxus and Squalo prepare to infiltrate a swanky gala - or more accurately, Lussuria prepares Squalo, and Squalo prepares Xanxus.(Aka Xanxus and Squalo dress to kill. Literally)
Relationships: Superbi Squalo/Xanxus
Series: Xanxus and Squalo are both terribly in love & terrible at love (Xanxus/fem!Squalo) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2110980
Comments: 2
Kudos: 29





	My house of stone (your ivy grows)

**Author's Note:**

> Listen there is hardly any fem!Squalo and we hardly got Varia doing any infiltration/assassination missions so this fic is created because the idea would Not Leave My Mind. 
> 
> Post Chapter 398, happens 1-2 years after canon. 
> 
> (Title comes from Taylor Swift's Ivy)

“Trash, are you done?” Xanxus slams her door open and stalks into her room without even bothering to knock. 

“Boss why didn’t you knock! I could have been naked!” Squalo screams when he walks in without a single care in the world and just plants his fat ass on her bed, wrinkling her sheets. She had to get those silk sheets changed yesterday, because he decided to give her an early wakeup call by dumping water on her on her off-day to inform her of their latest mission. Shitty boss. An email would have worked, but Xanxus was technologically inept after 8 years stuck in ice and hated to admit that he didn’t know things, which meant that Squalo was also in charge of his email account. 

Worst of all, he had to wake her at 7 in the morning because he wanted breakfast. They have goddamned chefs in the Varia working in shifts for a reason! Squalo had resisted the urge to spit in his coffee. Just barely.

(If Xanxus noticed that he had one less piece of ham for his breakfast while a stray speck of ham rested at the corner of Squalo’s upper lip, he gave no indication, merely commenting about his coffee. Squalo, upset enough at the loss of her extra rest, was left discomfited at his non-reaction, watching him warily for an outburst that didn’t arrive. Shitty boss didn’t even let her get that satisfaction of lecturing him about her off day.) 

Before Squalo can continue to yell at her boss to fuck off, Lussuria twitters, hands fluttering in the air, depositing eyeshadow all over her dressing table. Squalo hisses at the mess. She should have agreed to the makeover in Lussuria’s room.

“Just a little more boss! I have to make sure Squ-chan looks absolutely _ delectable~”  _ Lussuria beams, swiping his fingertips on her eyelid.

“VOOOIII! Delectable? Am I a fucking cake?” Squalo yells from the seat, even as her eyes remain closed. The last time she opened her eyes to scream, she had to rinse them out with water because the fucking glitter entered her eye. Whatever. She doesn’t need her eyes to know Lussuria barely flinches at her voice, too used to her outbursts even from such a close range.

“For anyone who likes women, you must be delicious,” Lussuria cheerfully replies. “Don’t you think so Boss?” 

Squalo hears the sound of Xanxus’ footsteps approaching as Lussuria side-steps him to fix the last of her hairstyle in place. She opens her eyes, blinking away bits of glitter, only to be greeted with Xanxus’ face a mere inches away from her own, his hand tilting her chin upwards towards him, fingers hot on her skin. She meets his eyes evenly; she has never shirked from Xanxus before, and she isn’t going to stop now, even if she’s sure she looks nothing like what they’re both used to, glitter and pigmented colour over gunpowder and steel. His eyes roved over her, noting the deceptive softness of her face, the seductive sweep of her eyelashes, the way false demurity radiated from every pore Lussuria had painstakingly concealed. Her long hair was braided into an elegant updo, curls held in place by countless pins that she could use as weapons if necessary. 

“Cat got your tongue boss?” Squalo asks, smirking. She knows she looks beautiful enough to stun a room into silence. Boss gives her a quick glare, but his eyes keep darting to her lips. It would be wiser to not mention it, but because Squalo’s sense of self-preservation has always been practically non-existent, she continues smugly, staring up at him with half-lidded eyes. 

”Can’t blame you boss; I’m just that beautiful.” Dino always did a double-take when he saw her dolled up, compliments falling easily from his lips. She knew she looked good, but it was great to have confirmation from someone capable of stringing a sentence that didn’t include the word ‘trash’. 

“Just keep quiet and things will be fine,” Xanxus retorts, dropping his fingers from her face none too gently. Squalo watches him flex his fingers, like her makeup had burned him. She snorts at the thought. If Lussuria made acidic makeup there would be hell to pay. “Your voice ruins the illusion.” 

“Are you going to be this charming later?” Squalo asks, scowling. “How are you going to seduce our target’s wife like this?” 

Xanxus’ eyes flash with warning. Squalo raises a perfectly drawn brow. 

“Worry about yourself, trash. Don’t get a heart attack and nearly die in their hall,” Xanxus growls out.

“BOSS, I HAVEN’T DIED IN MONTHS,” Squalo yells indignantly. “I’m not going to start now!”

“You’d better not die again,” Xanxus continues warningly, as though Squalo’s words were directed to the air around him, or to Lussuria who wisely positioned himself out of the line of fire even as he watched their argument with barely restrained glee. 

“VOOOOII I already said I won’t fucking die; are you deaf? That thing with Jaegar was a fluke!” Squalo throws her hands in the air, exasperated. “Besides if anyone needs a lecture, it’s you Boss! I should be telling you to not destroy their mansion. It’s an ASSASSINATION, not demolition!” 

“They’ll die when their mansion explodes,” Xanxus states with no room for argument. Squalo breathes deep calming breaths to calm herself down. Nope. It does not work. The heart may have been illusory, but Mammon must have done such a realistic job that she can feel her blood pressure spiking whenever Xanxus says anything to make her angry. 

“Thank fuck I haven’t gotten that heart transplant yet,” she glares at him, “you’ll make me so angry that new heart will just collapse anyway!”

“Trash, were you not fucking listening? Didn’t I tell you you were not allowed to die?” Xanxus growls out, his scars rapidly appearing, tell-tale signs of his rapidly growing rage. Squalo would have continued to argue, but she recognizes it would be a lost cause if Xanxus truly got mad, and if they fought and smudged her makeup and  _ ruined her hair _ , Lussuria would have to start over. They didn’t have time to spare and Xanxus must know it too. He’d better - she’ll drag him out of the mansion if she must. She gives him a critical once-over and sighs, standing up to fix his tie. He had loosened it when he was waiting for her to finish her makeover, his collar now askew with his top button undone, his new feathers messily tucked underneath. 

“Don’t try to kill me by giving me more stress then,” she says grumbling, her fingers making quick work of the undone button, noticing the way his Adam’s apple seemed to twitch when her hands touched his neck. It would be easy enough to kill from so close, and that is why she makes sure no one else is allowed to help Xanxus with this. If anyone deserved to end Xanxus, it would be her for the sheer amount of bullshit this shitty boss has put her through - and if she wasn’t ending Xanxus, no one would be able to, not while she still drew breath. 

(Xanxus said nothing, but the fact that he let no one else but her help him with this spoke mountains. Lussuria and Levi had volunteered before when Squalo was busy on other missions, but he shot at them before they could step within a metre of him - but it did not stop Levi from continuing to offer. He was running out of non-fatal places to shoot him in. What a fucking pain. Lussuria simply gave him a knowing look over his sunglasses, which made goosebumps appear all over his arms. What the fuck.)

She fixes his upturned collar, her hands smoothing the creases of his shirt, idly noting the increase in muscle. He was exercising again after that terrible loss during the Representative Battle; his shoulders were broader; she’d have to order new shirts for him soon. She imagines him bursting out of his sleeves as he shoots their target and snickers to herself as she makes sure his feathers were presentable. As much as they could be. They were feathers for God’s sake, but Xanxus could at least not look like he fucked a farm’s worth of chickens before arriving at their banquet. 

“What’s so funny trash?” Xanxus asks, stepping closer to her as she begins to redo his tie. Xanxus didn’t even bother with tying the right kind for his stature, so it was up to her once again to fix it. 

“You.” She wisely kept the shirt ripping and chicken-fucking comments to herself and started on something more neutral instead. “Honestly Boss, you’re 26, how do you not know how to tie a tie?” She punctuates each statement with a tug, and a Windsor knot materializes. 

“Why bother?” Xanxus yawns, shooting her a lazy look of smug satisfaction, his hands resting on the curves of her hips like they were meant to be there all along. She straightens the lapels of his suit and double-checks if his cufflinks match. The heat of his palms seeps through the soft silk of her dress. She wonders if he can feel the band of her panties, specifically bought for this mission because Lussuria claimed that sexy underwear made a big difference in seduction. Well. Not like Xanxus would care. She doesn’t think Xanxus even realises she’s a woman half the time, if not for her screaming in his ear. 

“I’ll leave you both alone now!” Lussuria says. She nearly forgot he was there, so intent on her job. 

“Scram,” Xanxus shoots him a glare and Lussuria flees, not before shooting Squalo a saucy wink. 

“Have fun with Boss, Squ-chan!” He even waggles his eyebrows for good measure. 

“Fuck off and get the car ready!” Squalo yells, flipping him off with one hand, the other still on Xanxus’ tie. 

Xanxus growls; she did yell near his ears. “Sorry Boss.” She gives him one final look, fingers patting his hair into something that looks less like bedhead and more… sultry. Deliberate. Devastating. The Xanxus that faced her was dangerously handsome, eyes sharp even as his scars faded from the previous outburst. But they were never completely gone. If she focused, she could still trace where his scars had faded. The mafia world had moved onto juicier news and bigger fish, but it was impossible to forget that Xanxus was once heir to the greatest mafia family in history. 

“Are you done staring at me?” Xanxus asks, raising an eyebrow. 

“Voooii who’s staring?” She hastily drops her hands and steps away, heels clicking on the hardwood floor. She grabs the clutch bag that Lussuria prepared. “Time to go boss. Mammon will be upset if we don’t get fully paid.” 

“Don’t tell me what to do,” Xanxus says, without much heat behind it. Squalo rolls her eyes, and they make their way out to the car Lussuria should have prepared, but instead they were greeted by Levi.

“Where’s Lussuria?” She barks out. Levi shoots her an angry look before he answers Xanxus, completely ignoring her question. She’s going to stomp on him later. 

“Boss, I’ll be driving you to the venue. It’s for your safety.” Xanxus frowns at him, already waving him away. 

“And you expect me to walk?” Squalo exclaims. If Levi dares to answer yes, they’ll be looking for a new Lightning guardian soon. 

“Trash, you’re driving,” Xanxus calls out to her from the front seat. Levi looks on, crestfallen. 

“Boss… but your safety!” He protests. 

“Get lost!” He orders while Squalo clambers into the car, making sure not to flash him by accident. This dress was short. 

“We’re leaving now!” She rolls down a window to scream in the direction of the mansion. Those brats better not destroy anything in the mansion when they are gone, or there’ll be hell to pay. Seeing there was no response, she huffed and rolled the window back up and began driving away, Xanxus seating silently beside her. 

“What do you think happened to Lussuria?” She asks, not expecting an answer as the car sails through a relatively clear road. Good. She wasn’t in the mood for road rage, not before a seduction mission. 

“That dumb fuck must have said something stupid again.” Xanxus growls out, arms crossed. 

“...Yeah. That sounds like it. He’s been doing that more often.” Squalo agrees. Honestly, Lussuria could get the most ridiculous ideas - his latest thought was that Xanxus was madly in love with her and was resorting to pigtail-pulling to express his affections, an idea so ludicrous she didn’t even bother to scream at him when he first floated it to her. 

A Xanxus in love would be terrifying, she wonders, glancing at him from the corner of her eyes. His eyes are closed; she could see the dark eye circles underneath, courtesy of sleepless nights. Her own weren’t any better. She stifles a sigh and focuses on the road, longing for her warm bed and an extra hour of sleep. 

“Sleep well Boss. I’ll wake you when we arrive.” 

**Author's Note:**

> Leave a comment or kudos if liked! 
> 
> (Headcanon that Xanxus spent months blowing hot & cold to Squalo after he got defrosted because he had 0 clue how to deal with her loyalty and decided to self-sabotage by treating her terribly so she would leave because she could find someone better if she wished? Jokes on him, Squalo is 3000% times more stubborn and then she dies in front of him, giving him a much-needed wake up call.
> 
> So now he's just pining uselessly while Squalo has Very Little Clue seeing that he didn't treat her well for months so:
> 
> Xanxus: ARE YOU GOING TO DIE AGAIN HUH.)


End file.
